I think. I think … a lot. More than the average person. This isn’t a brag. It’s almost a lamentation, if anything. I’m simply unable to turn my brain off most of the time. I think about myself, how I’m perceived, what I’ve done, what I should do, what others are doing. It’s non-stop. I alternate between stretches of days with four hours (or fewer) of sleep and slumbers of almost 12 hours. Anytime someone sees me, I am almost certainly either too rested, or in dire need of some. If you’ve followed along with my personal story, you know I deal with cystic fibrosis (CF), a terminal illness of the lungs and digestive system that, over time, begins to affect the liver, inflict chronic pain and wear down one’s mental state. That’s why, after a decade of going in and out of the hospital for two-week long courses of IV antibiotics, the arrival of Trikafta was so welcome. I wrote about Trikafta a couple of months ago. As a refresher, Trikafta is the closest thing to a cure for CF to date — a miracle drug that has provided enormous relief to roughly 90 percent of CF patients. Still, damage has already been done. In addition to the damage to my body, I’m plagued by depression, social anxiety and a tinge of body dysmorphia. Because breathing is harder work, your torso starts to look somewhat top heavy. Your fingers start to club at the middle joints. To top it all off, your body is such a sieve when it comes to absorbing nutrients that it’s almost impossible to maintain a healthy weight. I spend a lot of time at sporting events and around athletes — constant reminders of what a healthy body can be in contrast to mine. With sports, what you see is mostly what you get. Statistics, results, good plays, bad plays. It’s all there on display. Mental health is invisible. At least, it usually is. While perusing Twitter the other day I came across a disturbing video of former NBA player Delonte West. West, perhaps best remembered as a guard on the Cavaliers with a young Lebron James, is bipolar (among other things), and after earning millions in the NBA, broke. Not typical, “struggling to get by” broke. He’s homeless. In a 2015 Washington Post story, West, then living on a family member’s fold-out bed, told Rick Maese his life story. His cries for help growing up, his numerous suicide attempts and the quick descension from millionaire to poverty. That brings me back to the video. West is laying in the middle of the street in Washington, D.C. having his head stomped on by another man. Another video shows West sitting on the curb after the incident talking to police officer. Talking may be the wrong word. By the end of the video, West is shouting profanities that are seemingly directed at the universe, not the officers. “I don’t give a …” well, you know. Like any other person, athetes are susceptible to depression. The stress of performing, competing and failing are just some of the triggering factors. It’s an equal-opportunity disorder. Despite stints as the top athlete in their respective fields, Michael Phelps, Serena Williams and Ronda Rousey have spoken out about their struggles with mental health. I’m not going to compare myself to such icons, but I can relate. Statistics show, many of you reading this can as well. The National Institute of Mental Health estimates that 7 percent of all adults had a “major depressive episode” in 2017. In adolescents, that number is over 13 percent and an estimated 20 percent in adolescent females. To our readers: sometimes, perhaps too often, I have let my own anxieties and insecurities interfere with my performance, depriving my work of quotes from athletes and coaches. As one of my coworkers said in a recent meeting, “They’re people. Just like you,” which means they can also have their own personal battles being waged under the surface. Sometimes, sports are the ammunition needed to fight the battle. Sometimes sports just provide a tactical retreat of sorts to re-energize. We can’t win the battles overnight. In many cases, they can’t ever be truly won. But we can use what we love to help fight. I think that’s a good start.
Mind Games
